Weekend

 After I finished my breakfast. I prepared myself for work. I put on jacket. There were my mom, my little brother below me and my baby nephew. My mom said “have you gotten you salary?”. I said “not yet”. She continues “I haven’t paid this *** bills”. I replied to her “I don’t know”. “I am planning to travel next month”. “Where to?” my mom asked. “Jogja” I said. “That’s so far, will you be okay?”

It always hurts me that much. Both my parents are always restricting me to travel. It always hurts that I have to think about home bills first. I am not in charge to pay all the bills. I know. But when I want to do something, my mom always say about bills. And she always doesn’t want me to go somewhere. 

My mom and some family members have said “You can go travel with your husband, wait for it”. And I was like “What? This gotta be kidding”. I don’t know it sounds like being positive support but for e it was bullshit and toxic positivity. Why I can’t travel when I am single and free?

There is wise another proverb. “Do what you want before married” as people say. I mean I got time and chance to do but some people just take me down. Same happened few years ago. I wanted to enroll scholarship for student exchange. Just like my brother did. My mom rejected it. She believed I couldn’t take care of myself in another country. But who knows? At least I tried to enroll and got rejected in midway of selection that would be better for me. 

All of those statements being said because I used to be “mama kid”. I have been controlled. I live my life as a bird kept in a cage. I have wings but cannot fly. When i go to the city, see skycraper and tall building. My eyes are wide-open. If feels good and something new. I am being like a villager comes to the city for the first time. 

My friends sometimes getting wonder because as surabaya people I don’t know everything about surabaya. I never travel to north and some other part of the city. I also don’t know the route when I go to somewhere new. Since school when I got chance to hangout with friends. My parents never allowed me to go. I live in a house like a damn princess waiting for her prince to take me out.

Don’t misunderstand me. My parents are kind and not abusive. I respect my family. But I just being kept at home. I wish can earn more money. It wouldn’t be a problem if my mother says this say that. Every month I try to manage my salary to pay my needs and spare some to house or my mom. But please mom, don’t say like that. Don’t prohibit me if I go somewhere. Because that makes me feeling guilty if I choose my needs over eveything. I may sound selfish but it will be more selfish if I don’t choose myself even for one.

They keep saying “You can go travel with your husband”. How about we also struggle for money? How about I get married at 30? How about after marriage I am getting pregnant immediately and unable to travel? I just want to live present without burdening past that has happened and future that has not happened. 

I give 1000 times AAMIIN for wealth and enough money for my future husband. Life is full of uncertainty right? If not now then when?

And at the end loneliness keep haunting me.